Seven tips to Grandparents, who are critical to the health and safety of Granchildren by Dr. Barbara Becker Holstein
Grandparents can sometimes believe they are dispensable. This is a false assumption. Grandparents leave a remarkable imprint on a grandchild's life and have an important role to play. Grandparents give a sense of love and adoration for the grandchild that few parents have the energy or interest to sustain. Often Grandparents offer a special gift or the money for a science camp, a trip to Disneyland or some other experience in life that the parents simply can't or don't feel obliged to offer. Lastly, grandparents are simply interesting by virtue of the fact that they lived though a past for which grandchildren feel a sense of curiosity.
Grandparents have influence that can be critical. Grandparents have that extra pair of eyes that parents have often sacrificed in the line of daily duty and through the necessity of maintaining the upkeep of the children. They often provide a 'fresh set of eyes' and can perhaps tell when something is off. Parents can miss these subtleties.
Below are seven ways grandparents can help their grandchildren grow up strong, safe and happy:
1. Stay in touch with your grandchildren so you have a good baseline on their personalities and development. If you live apart then rely on all the modern world has to offer: e-mailing, phoning and faxing, Skpe, home video's, photographs, shared family blogs and of course snail mail. Not only will you be ready to help if there is something 'up' with a grandchild, but you will have such fun communicating and being part of their world.
2. Help each child feel special. For example you could create scrapbooks of special moments for each child on special occasions, such as a milestone birthday. The scrapbook can contain your thoughts and wishes for the child as well as photo's, special souvenirs saved from times spent together, and even family history. Each scrapbook can be very different, reflecting the needs and interests of a particular child.
3. Whether you see your grand kids every week or every three years, make sure you spend some alone time with each child. It is amazing how differently kids share themselves and even their hopes, dreams and secrets when the other siblings, or parents are not around. If you can't do much, even a slow walk around the block will lead to good fun and a better knowledge of your grandchild.
4. Now that you have the relationship going well, it is time to become very observant. Do you see any strange or unusual habits developing? Or do you see some social changes? These could include everything from an eye twitch to excessive crying, bullying of a sibling, spending too much alone time in her room, a change in friends that gives you some concerns, or maybe too few friends. It could also include such things as becoming a very picky eater or suddenly putting on a lot of weight.
5. If there are changes as noted above, don't react with drama or accusations. That is sure to set your own child off, and perhaps close the door to your visits and also, perhaps, perpetuate a bad situation so it will become worse. Rather, talk gently and with care and in private to your child. Let your own grown child have some time to respond. She may appear indifferent or she may open up and share her own concerns. Your granddaughter will be best served if follow your own daughter's lead and see where it goes. It may be painful, as you wish to change everything at once for your granddaughter. Sometimes we can only plant the seed and long after your visit you will find out that your granddaughter is indeed in counseling or working with the school guidance counselor in a peer group for social issues.
6. If you see a real crisis, then you have every right as family to be persistent and direct. For example, if you hear your granddaughter throwing up in the bathroom after meals, you should speak with authority (again in private) to your daughter, that she must take your granddaughter in for a medical exam. Eating disorders are real and potentially even fatal. You have a responsibility to react strongly.
Likewise, if you see one of your grand kids bullying and or physically punching, pushing hard, etc. on a younger sibling again and again, talk to your own child seriously. First of all, it is dangerous. Your older grandchild could hurt the younger one both physically and emotionally. Secondly, he could have his own emotion problems that need attention. Lastly, he could be a bully in the making and will also intimidate and hurt other children in the school yard, on the street, in the school hallways, etc.
7. Lastly, remember to share yourself with your grand kids. Just because everyone today has a cell phone, doesn't mean the kids aren't fascinated by the fact that your had one phone in your house when you grew up, or that the family of six drivers shared one beat up car or that you got up at 6:00 am for your paper route through town. Maybe you even had a doctor that still made house calls when someone was suddenly ill! It is the richness of your history along with your wisdom and willingness to push for the health and happiness of your grand kids that make you a great grandparent. Don't give up your assignment! The kids need you!